I didn’t talk publicly about September 11 until almost 10 years after the horrible day. The day the world changed. And then I wrote a few posts and shared more. Then I started to reduce the amount that I talked about what happened that day. And some people ask me if it’s because I think it no longer matters or if too much time has passed. Does it mean as much today as it did 22 years ago? Does it impact me the same?
And I’m not really sure how to answer that. Because whenever I think about what happened that day I still have the same feelings of anger and fear and frustration that I had over 20 years ago.
I still remember my morning in lower Manhattan that day. I still think about the images of people running down the street and clouds of debris flying after them and towards me. I still wonder what it is that I am supposed to be doing in the world. Because instead of taking my normal route that would have had me in the World Trade Center at the exact time the first plane hit, I took a different route.
I still recall the kindness of strangers that I met when I walked over that bridge in Brooklyn. The unity amongst black, brown, white, and all the colors of the world gathered in solidarity against evil. I’m smiling thinking of the family that took me to Queens to stay with them for the night. While I figured out what I was supposed to do next. And the cute pictures on the wall of the bedroom I stayed in which belonged to a little boy.
I remember the smells of lower Manhattan. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually talked about the smells but I remember the smells. The smell on the morning which was of an intense burning stronger than any fire I’d ever smelled. The smell of the people around me covered in dust and dirt and sweat. The smell a few days later when I was finally able to leave the city on a train to Philadelphia so that I could rent a car with 4 strangers to take me back to my family in Chicago. And the smell when I first came back to New York in October a few weeks after. The smell of death and decay. The most awful smell I have ever experienced.
But I also remember the calls, texts, and messages. The ones that came through when my mobile phone finally starting to work again. My loved ones and even long silent friends checking in to make sure I was ok. My fellow New York based friends that had been stuck on the upper side of the Island.
I also remember the sense of community continuing today and yet still very different. Those that were in the building and survived could understand each other but not talk to others. Those who like me were just down the street felt pain and sadness yet struggled to find the words to say to our colleagues at ground zero. And I just could not listen to people with lots to say who were nowhere near the city that day. I get it. We all saw it replayed over and over again on television. But only some saw the desperation directly. The bodies. The debris.
And I remember the ignorance. The conversation with my Sikh colleague as he told me how many people were making hateful comments to him because he, like some Muslims, wore a head wrap. The assholes that made statements about Jews. People were angry and often that anger b needed an outlet. So i remember how quickly community became dissent became community again. The cycle continues today. The constant search for a common enemy. A shared experience.
So I guess the answer is that of course I remember. Like it did after the death of my stepfather Karl that happened 10 years later, the pain does dissipate. And I no longer feel guilty about that. But the memories remain. And the triggers exist. And so occasionally I will write about it. I will always think of those who lost their lives simply because they went to work. I will always be grateful to those who lost their lives actively running toward the danger. They saved thousands. And I thank God for pulling me through and helping guide my path that day and every day.
In 2015, I drafted my personal ten commandments and shared them through this blog. It’s been several years, a global pandemic, a marriage, a relocation, multiple bosses, and now approaching another decade in the next couple of years. Yikes. So, I thought it was time to brush off the commandments.
Your life will change. Your job will change. Your circle of friends will evolve. But your core values and principles should be consistent. And while you may compromise on compensation, title, which restaurant to dine at or movie to see, there should be certain things about which you refuse to compromise. Your values should drive how you respond to change, success, and to trials. Here are my personal 10 Commandments.
I. Be Mindful
Every day. This is first because in many ways it is the toughest. This is continuing to smile as you are given very disappointing news. This is being respectful when you want to scream profanities. This is rising above and, as Michelle Obama famously said, when they go low, you go high. And, as my Dad says, unless God calls first, there will be a tomorrow.
I try to make choices that I believe benefit the world and make it a better place. The world is especially challenging right now, making this more difficult than normal, but I still do my best to make good choices. I remember that though I may disagree with others’ acts and opinions, God still calls on me to love them as I love myself.
II. Be Kind
There is never any reason to be an asshole. Being unkind is not going to convince people to be nice to you. In fact, being a jerk is most likely going to cause people to dislike you and do as little for you as they can. You’ll commonly hear that cheaters never win, and the same goes for mean people. My mom taught me this more than most. After weeks of hearing me crying about bullies in middle school, she called me to the back porch and gave me a tough lesson for which I am eternally grateful. In the end, she taught me, the nice people are going to win with their dignity in tact. Think about your life in high school. The bullies are usually the ones who end up working under the people who were kind. They peak in that one moment you feel you are at your lowest, but you continue to rise. You continue to shine. Be kind, always.
I have often told the story of a senior leader at a prior job that called me into a meeting with him and proceeded to tell me something that ultimately changed my career. He said that the clients loved my work and I could be an integral part of his team but that I was too nice. He said I needed to be more of an asshole and stop doing things like letting my team go home at 10:30 pm!! I smiled, always adhering to my #1 commandment, and thanked him for his candor. I then called the superiors back in our home office and told them I was not interested in working with this individual anymore and that I would be working to leave the project or leave the firm, whichever was necessary.
I chose to be the nice guy. Even if it meant I would not be a part of this “marquee” team, I refused to be an asshole for sport. And I’m blessed to be able to say today that I am better for it. Better health. Better financially. Greater opportunities opened up for me. And the people with whom I have worked before would typically work with me again. Something I could certainly not say for this particular “leader”.
III. Be Bold
Change doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes a lot of voices for anything to get done. Whatever you have strong feelings about, use your voice to speak up to enact change. You have to make your thoughts heard if you want to help make a difference. This could be through actually speaking, posting on social media, blogging, or helping behind the scenes in activist groups. Part of courage is helping to lift others up. You shouldn’t be bold just for yourself. You want to help make a difference for others.
Roy T. Bennett says it well, in his bookThe Light in the Heart: “Be brave to stand for what you believe in even if you stand alone.” So true! It is easy to be safe and so hard to take chances. Especially if you fall in any bucket where you lack safety in numbers.
This is likely my hardest commandment. This is risky. This is taking a chance where the safe path would be so much easier.
IV. Be Transparent
Be honest and clear about who you are. You, as an individual, are important. You need to let the world see you for who you truly are. I keep a photo of myself with my husband and my dog on a wall that is featured in all my zoom videos. It’s important to me that everyone understands who I am and what is important to me. In order to be transparent, you must first be self-aware. There is a quote by Prasad Mahes that encapsulates this, “The mind is like water. When it is turbulent, it is difficult to see. When it is calm, everything becomes clear.” You have to know who you are and embrace it to move forward in the world.
V. Be Authentic
It can be tempting to pretend to be something you are not to move ahead in the world. Don’t do this. It isn’t helping you or anyone else. You need to be true to who you are. Being inauthentic is going to cause you a lot of stress and pain in the long run. And it is frankly EXTREMELY TIRING to be fake. Sometimes I want to shake certain people and say “snap out of it” just to get them to take off the façade they have built up so strongly around their authentic selves. So I refuse to pretend to be someone else, even if it means I may not get certain opportunities as quickly.
VI. Be Curious
As a human being, you are designed to be learning all the time. The end of formal schooling does not mean you should stop seeking knowledge. Make it a point to continue to learn new things all the time. This could be a simple as getting a daily calendar with a new fact each day. Or, you could seek additional formal education to seek out something new. Some examples of things you could study are a new culture, a new religion, a new recipe, or something related to your job.
Always ask questions and seek new information. It will make you a better person. I blogged a while ago about Hiring for Character and Values. And one of the main targets was the intellectually curious!
VII. Be Honest
Lying is another behavior that can be tempting if it will help move things in a certain direction. However, it’s not worth it. Lying is never going to end up working out for you in the end. Someone is bound to find out it isn’t the truth, and that is going to cause a lot of trouble for you. Also, if you have to lie to get something done, it isn’t something you should be doing anyway. The mental stress lying will cause you, plus the fact it isn’t very ethical, is why you should avoid it at all costs. General rule of thumb: consider how you would feel if it appears on the cover of Wall Street Journal.
VIII. Be Straightforward
There is a well-known phrase that deals with being straightforward. You may hear someone reference the knife someone put in their back. This often means that someone thought another person was being honest with them but went behind their back and did something they didn’t approve of. You want to avoid this. If you have something to say to someone, just say it. Don’t talk behind their back on side channels or in backroom chatter. It’s rude, and it isn’t going to solve anything. It also doesn’t make you look good as people are probably judging you for talking that way about someone behind their back.
IX. Be Purposeful
Some people surround themselves with many people and call them all their friends. For some people, this works. However, I prefer to have a few select friends that I develop a deep friendship with, rather than a bunch of people I don’t actually have a connection with. I have changed my mindset from wanting to be surrounded by people to embracing time with a few close friends. In work, I try to seek out opportunities where my work can also drive positive change.
X. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
You are bound to make some mistakes. It is part of being human. However, you have to learn to recognize when a mistake is something that needs to be focused on and fixed versus when a mistake is something you need to just let go and move on. For example, failing one math test in school is not going to ruin your life. Learn from it and study harder next time. Stewing on the failure is going to make it harder to do well the next time. However, if you mess up something at work that is going to impact many people, you should work on fixing it and how to avoid making the mistake the next time. Just remember that the small mistakes aren’t going to matter at the end of your life. Don’t let the stress ruin your life.
YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED. You will know you deserve that promotion more than the other individual. You will listen to their words that tell you they value you yet not see any evidence. Someone you love will hurt you with their mistake or their transgression. You will see people with more money, more this, more that. Life isn’t always fair. But thank God for life and the opportunity to live another day regardless. Be grateful for the opportunity to walk around your neighborhood and find wonder in those little miracles you would otherwise ignore. Look at the ants at work. Smell the roses. Note the gentle swaying of the trees at the faintest breeze. Watch the birds chirp it up while the squirrels start to stock up for the winter season.
Remember that you work so that you may live. You don’t live to work. So Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff!
Commandments are guidelines, ideals
The first part of living a successful life is knowing what you want to get out of it. It is up to you to decide what ideals you want to live your life by. Take my ten commandments as a guide and create your own list of commandments you want to guide your life. Perhaps your list will be similar to mine, or maybe you will have a completely different list. Do what works for you. I would love to hear from you.
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe, get vaccinated, and wear a mask around lots of unknown people.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
This might be an annoying blog for those of you out there, none of my friends of course, that are promoting “Straight Pride” during LGBTQ Pride Month here in the United States. More to come on that. For now, just one thing that is currently on my pet peeve list.
“It’s just hard to think about them together.”
Close your eyes. Try to remember the last conversation you had with a co-worker or a distant friend about their life. They probably talked about their family and if they are married they may even have discussed their spouse. Think about the details of the conversation and what you were thinking during the conversation. Pause. At any time during the conversation were you visualizing your friend and his or her spouse having sex?
My guess is that the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast majority of you said no to that question. And that is of course no surprise because you talk about people’s families and their vacations and all kinds of other details on a regular basis at work without thinking about the particulars of what they do in their bedroom. It is therefore surprising to me how often I hear the comment around it being difficult to have conversations with gay people about their families because it’s hard to picture two men together or two women together. What exactly are you trying to picture?
This month is Pride Month. Someone you know is gay. Someone you know is a lesbian. Someone you know might be questioning. And all of them are unique individuals with different dreams, different backgrounds, different perspectives. Just like you are different. Let’s make this a month to learn about each other.
Happy Pride!
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Adam L. Stanley
Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Nothing good comes from being in the middle of the road. It’s funny we often take for granted little things that have overarching meanings in our everyday life. Take driving. Learning the rules of the road and using them keeps us and others safe while sending a clear message about the direction we’re traveling. What happens when we forget these rules? Ever seen the person flying onto an on ramp and merging into traffic without signaling? Or the person who wants to straddle the line on a thin dual-direction road? On the road and in life one thing is clear: you cannot both be coming and going at the same time. We can do either but the rules of the road force us to make a choice.
And in our career, what happens when we refuse to choose? Many believe we can straddle the professional line without anyone noticing. With one foot in our current role and the other waiting for the next best thing, we remain unaware that our ambivalence reeks.
It is important that we pick a side.
PICK A STRUGGLE
Adam wrote a blog a while back that was titled Don’t Miss your Bernie moment. The message was in general for leaders of organizations that have gone through major periods of change. The Bernie message was one of transition. It was saying to his supporters that the time has come to move on, united against a common evil, and rally together on a new shared mission. That blog was for leaders at the top of newly merged or fundamentally changed organizations. And it should absolutely resonate for many of you out there.
But there is another message and this is for everyone in the organization under such leaders. And the message is basically that once a leader has articulated the new shared vision for the organization you have a decision to make. Either align with that leader and support the mission, helping to drive the continued success of the organization. Or decide that this mission is simply not yours and move on. You need to pick a struggle. You need to pick a side. Just like being in the middle of the road while driving is not a viable option, being in the middle of the road as a member of a team is unacceptable.
Let’s be clear here. We are not at all saying that adherence to the mission of an organization requires a level of abject acceptance of any decisions that are made and any directions that are delivered. The value you bring to an organization is of course diversity of opinions and the ability to provide input into decisions driving the future of your organization. Never change that. However, there is a base level of acceptance that is required of any player on a major team.
Adam is a very big fan of Arsenal Football Club and anyone who knows the English Premier League teams knows that to some extent each team is fundamentally different than other teams. Their leaders are different and their style of play are also different. If someone joins Arsenal, the expectation is they will bring new talent, new ideas, and new strength to the club. However, they will still play under the style and direction that has been developed over dozens of years. They cannot come in and try to be a rock superstar constantly fighting against the leadership or their fellow team members. It simply does not work.
So, you’re at a Crossroads. You joined the company and you worked for a particular leader for years. You respected that leader and admired his or her vision for the future of the company. You now have been placed under a new leader and you dislike your new mission.
It is time to decide.
Our advice for you:
1) Consider what makes you happy at work. Be very honest and open with yourself. Be sure that you are not letting personal friendships or biases get in the way of sound judgment. I have worked for people who are fantastic people that I truly respected and I liked. But they were not always aligned with me strategically or going in the direction that I actually thought was best for our company.
2) Ask lots of questions and truly get to know the new leader. If you suspect there is a fundamental misalignment with your view of strategic direction for the company, do your research. List out your perceived differences and ask questions that get to a point where you can confirm one way or the other. You may actually be surprised both at your misunderstanding of the misalignment or in your leader’s interest and ability to change based on strong feedback
3) Check the grass on the other side. Research other players in your industry and see if they are going in a fundamentally different direction. It could be that your ideas are not aligned with the way the world is shifting. You could be the one on the wrong side of the road. And hey, we’ve all been wrong sometimes. This exploration of the other side will also help you and your decision to stay or leave for another company. If, after all, other companies in your industry will be going in the same direction, you might be left all alone.
4) Change your way of thinking. Adam wrote a blog on Allies on a Tour of Duty, about investing in talent for the long-term. The concept there was around each role being a different opportunity for you to build on particular skills and learn new ones. Never considering that any would be permanent. Change your way of thinking so that this new strategic direction under this new leader is another Tour of Duty. It’s an opportunity for you to prove that your intellect and your skills are transferable and can be applied under different fields of battle.
5) Determine your time horizon. There is a particular amount of time that you will wait it out and try to make it work before one of two things happens. Either you will become so despondent and disengaged that you will be miserable at work and miserable to work with. Or, your performance will suffer and your contributions will decline and instead of leaving on a high you will leave with an impression a failure. When not happy at work, your performance will suffer and your reputation can as well.
6) Just Leave. If you’ve come to the conclusion that it’s simply not going to work or you don’t want it to then you should do yourself and the organization a favor and respectfully exit. Fortunately, we are not tied to any one company and where we decide to work is a choice. Choose to be solid teammate and manager, productive and most of all happy…elsewhere.
Choose Your Side
Staying in the middle of the road is not good for any players involved. Your leadership will be disappointed in your performance and your attitude. Your peers will notice your lack of Engagement. And those that do not know you well will brand that as part of your personality and your skill set. And you will be unhappy and feel increasingly disengaged and alone. That is a position that no one wants to be in at work. Therefore, we encourage you to pick a struggle. Pick a side.
Let us know what you think. Have you been in a situation where your colleague was clearly straddling the middle line? Have you managed someone like that?
Be well. Lead On. Adam
This blog was coauthored with Apriel Biggs-Coker. These are our views and not necessarily those of the company.
Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
The last year that stunk as much as this year was 2010. That was the year my step-dad died. My work got really stressful for a few reasons I will not share here. There was a horrific earthquake in Haiti and a tragic disaster with the BP oil spill. My TV favorite actors from The Golden Girls, Different Strokes, Dynasty, and Designing Women died. I wasted two hours watching the astoundingly awful “Grown Ups” with Adam Sandler that I can never get back. And politics started getting really nasty in America.
Well, this year, lovely 2016, is going down in such a way as to make that year look like roses. Work was great albeit there were tons of challenges and complex problems. My family had a great year. We lost my aunt and had some health challenges but were able to celebrate a few weddings, births, and graduations and other fun events that made Family Life more joyful in 2016.
2016: Worst Year?
Outside of family and work life however, it was a true shitshow of a year. My idols started to drop: Prince, David Bowie, George Michael, Alan Thicke, Natalie Cole, Mohammed Ali… Professor Snape. Come on!! I recently looked at the list of famous people who called it quits this year. Shocking. Like they were desperate to leave before ….
Which brings me to that other big thing that happened this year…. The election. What a season. Great for Saturday Night Live, Alec Baldwin as The Donald was almost as funny as Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. With SEVENTEEN candidates, it was bound to produce ample material. Sadly, 2016 also became the year where it seems the country stopped laughing. Hatred. Mistrust. Anger. So much Negativity.
There were multiple mass murders in 2016. Including ones that truly hurt me more than I would have imagined. Considering myself in my younger days traveling for work and occasionally visiting nightclubs or bars in the cities in which I worked. And pondering what if an insane, conflicted, homicidal man had come to one of those clubs and killed almost fifty innocent people. (#Pulse) Picturing walking the streets of Paris and the Christmas markets I experienced in Hamburg as I remember with horror hearing about the Nice and Berlin truck murders.
And Chicago…. I. Just. Can’t. So many young children dying from senseless gang violence. High taxes and troubled schools. Politicians in and out of jail. And so many closed minds!
To be honest, I’m not actually wanting to say goodbye to 2016 as much as I’m saying good riddance. Good riddance to the hate and the nastiness. Good riddance to the racism on all sides. Good riddance to feeling forced to choose sides between two outrageously flawed individuals, between rich and poor, black and white, LGBT or “straight”, Muslim and Christian. And good riddance to the hatred that resulted in so many deaths of innocent people. Good riddance to the steady stream of news of my favorite TV and music stars passing.
2017. I welcome you with renewed focus on showing love and compassion. I anxiously await more phone calls to and from friends. I pray that peace will prevail SOMEWHERE. I am hopeful that the worst is behind us and the best is yet to come. And regardless of whether I’m proven right or massively wrong, I will still never compromise my values. I will choose love over hate. And I will live each day as if it’s my last. That’s what really matters.
As always, I will not write a New Years Resolution, though I do hope to shed a few pounds and get more sleep in 2017 (most would say that is more of a necessity than a resolutional goal). However, I will suggest that we try to work together to make 2017 more forgiving, more loving, and more joyful than 2016. And I could find no one better (with the exception of Jesus) to give us the words to live by as we move into the New Year than the woman who was canonized into sainthood this year, Mother Theresa.
I love you each, specially, for whatever role you play in our world. You BE you and do it as GOOD as you can. Your life matters.
4) Change your way of thinking. Adam wrote a blog on 
