I recently had an eye-opening experience that got me thinking about the concept of comfort, privilege, and inclusivity in our everyday lives. The incident involved a friend who usually revels in his familiar social circle and activities. In this particular circumstance, his weekend routine included indulging in fine dining, lounging by the pool with friends, enjoying an array of expertly mixed (by others) cocktails, and staying in comfortable, private accommodations (my home) instead of a hotel. In many ways, his life that weekend was a bubble of comfort and predictability similar to his life in his home city.
However, one outing that weekend pushed him out of this bubble. After a weekend of being able to do all of the “normal” stuff, he was taken to explore various city sites, culminating in a visit to a majority LGBTQ bar featuring a drag performer. This was a departure from his norm, and his reaction was, frankly, disappointing. Upon feeling out of his element, he chose to walk out, citing discomfort. His decision not only created an awkward situation but also led to frustration among everyone else involved. Frankly, it ruined the entire weekend.
This incident has stayed with me, and it keeps gnawing at me much more than it should. It highlighted a stark reality: the privilege of being uncomfortable only occasionally is something many people do not have. For individuals who find themselves outside the majority – whether due to their sexuality, race, religion, or any other aspect – discomfort is often a constant companion. It’s not something they can choose to walk away from; it’s a part of their daily existence.
My friend’s inability to remain in a setting that was outside his norm speaks volumes about the bubbles we create around ourselves. These bubbles are safe spaces, but they also limit our understanding and acceptance of different perspectives and lifestyles. His reaction was a missed opportunity for growth, for stepping into someone else’s shoes, for understanding and empathy. (And it was immature and childish, in my opinion. As it could have been handled much better.)
I think about the individuals in that bar, for whom such spaces are sanctuaries where they can freely express themselves without judgment or fear. What message did my friend’s abrupt departure send to them? It was perhaps a reminder that their reality is often seen as uncomfortable or challenging by those who live in the comfort of the majority.
This experience has been a catalyst for my own reflection on privilege and the importance of stepping out of our comfort zones. It’s easy to remain ensconced in environments where our views are never challenged, and our way of life is never questioned. But growth, understanding, and inclusivity come from experiencing the unfamiliar, from recognizing and respecting the diversity of the world around us.
My friend’s discomfort could have been a moment of learning and broadening his horizons. Instead, it turned into a retreat to the familiar, to the comfortable. It’s a reminder that being able to choose when and how we confront discomfort is a privilege in itself – a privilege that many do not have.
As we navigate through life, it’s crucial to recognize this privilege and challenge ourselves to embrace discomfort from time to time. It’s in these moments that we grow the most, developing a deeper understanding of the rich tapestry of human experiences that make up our world.
I didn’t talk publicly about September 11 until almost 10 years after the horrible day. The day the world changed. And then I wrote a few posts and shared more. Then I started to reduce the amount that I talked about what happened that day. And some people ask me if it’s because I think it no longer matters or if too much time has passed. Does it mean as much today as it did 22 years ago? Does it impact me the same?
And I’m not really sure how to answer that. Because whenever I think about what happened that day I still have the same feelings of anger and fear and frustration that I had over 20 years ago.
I still remember my morning in lower Manhattan that day. I still think about the images of people running down the street and clouds of debris flying after them and towards me. I still wonder what it is that I am supposed to be doing in the world. Because instead of taking my normal route that would have had me in the World Trade Center at the exact time the first plane hit, I took a different route.
I still recall the kindness of strangers that I met when I walked over that bridge in Brooklyn. The unity amongst black, brown, white, and all the colors of the world gathered in solidarity against evil. I’m smiling thinking of the family that took me to Queens to stay with them for the night. While I figured out what I was supposed to do next. And the cute pictures on the wall of the bedroom I stayed in which belonged to a little boy.
I remember the smells of lower Manhattan. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually talked about the smells but I remember the smells. The smell on the morning which was of an intense burning stronger than any fire I’d ever smelled. The smell of the people around me covered in dust and dirt and sweat. The smell a few days later when I was finally able to leave the city on a train to Philadelphia so that I could rent a car with 4 strangers to take me back to my family in Chicago. And the smell when I first came back to New York in October a few weeks after. The smell of death and decay. The most awful smell I have ever experienced.
But I also remember the calls, texts, and messages. The ones that came through when my mobile phone finally starting to work again. My loved ones and even long silent friends checking in to make sure I was ok. My fellow New York based friends that had been stuck on the upper side of the Island.
I also remember the sense of community continuing today and yet still very different. Those that were in the building and survived could understand each other but not talk to others. Those who like me were just down the street felt pain and sadness yet struggled to find the words to say to our colleagues at ground zero. And I just could not listen to people with lots to say who were nowhere near the city that day. I get it. We all saw it replayed over and over again on television. But only some saw the desperation directly. The bodies. The debris.
And I remember the ignorance. The conversation with my Sikh colleague as he told me how many people were making hateful comments to him because he, like some Muslims, wore a head wrap. The assholes that made statements about Jews. People were angry and often that anger b needed an outlet. So i remember how quickly community became dissent became community again. The cycle continues today. The constant search for a common enemy. A shared experience.
So I guess the answer is that of course I remember. Like it did after the death of my stepfather Karl that happened 10 years later, the pain does dissipate. And I no longer feel guilty about that. But the memories remain. And the triggers exist. And so occasionally I will write about it. I will always think of those who lost their lives simply because they went to work. I will always be grateful to those who lost their lives actively running toward the danger. They saved thousands. And I thank God for pulling me through and helping guide my path that day and every day.
I’m often asked by friends and mentees whether they should make a career change, or be “afraid” due to an organizational change or another major corporate event. Often frustrating to them, my answer is almost always “It depends.”
The truth is the answer to that question is most often not a binary yes or no.
First, changes at the top rarely have a significant impact on the day to day work and job satisfaction of individual employees. Being in the c-suite, we sometimes overinflated our impact or the impact of org org chart shuffling. Yes, we drive strategic direction and significant changes have a knock-on impact throughout the company. But the reality is the top layer in most large companies at most directly touch 5-10% of employees. Ask the best CEO to handwrite the names of employees he or she talked to personally last quarter.
According to an in-depth time study by Harvard Business School professors Michael Porter and Nitin Nohria, CEOs spend, on average, just 6% of their time with frontline teams, only 3% with customers, and 72% in meetings. I would imagine this to be close to the same for many others in the c-suite. I personally began to miss team interaction the higher up in the organization I climbed.
The sad, or not so sad, reality is that hundreds of decisions are made everyday at the top that have little or nothing to do with you as an individual employee amongst thousands of other employees. And some decisions were influenced by executives outside of your chain of command.
Second, unless it is specifically relating to an individual’s power, position, AND perspective (3 Ps), simply moving a function from one individual to another does not necessarily change organizational dynamics overall. Power influences how much air cover your team will have. Position influences budget and ability to spend money on things important to your function. But perspective of the new leader ultimately determines how much of their power and/or position they are willing to leverage on behalf of the new function they inherited. Some CIOs found this out the hard way when their dream of reporting directly to the CEO was fulfilled. They found the move hurt rather than helped their tech strategy objectives when the CEO had little time or interest to focus on technology and their voice was heard less.
Finally, and most importantly, one should never make decisions based solely on any one factor. Be it an org change or a budget cut, an acquisition or spinoff, the impact on your career depends on your specific circumstances across a spectrum of experiences and events. What have you already learned and how much more can you learn within the new environment? Is your job bringing you joy or satisfaction for the most part and, if so, how likely is it that the change would impact that?
The achievements of an organization are the results of the combined effort of each individual. – Vince Lombardi
Having a successful and rewarding career is a key part of your life journey. But it is only a part. Remember that finding life balance requires at least a modicum of joy at work. But it’s also enjoying time with family and friends, taking care of one’s health, and aiming to truly figure out what you as an individual want out of life. Don’t fall for the trap of overreacting to changes that might make for a great press release but ultimately not impact your individual journey.
The answer to all of life’s questions is to some extent, “it depends”, because ultimately it depends on YOU.
I’ve recently had several conversations about change and resistance to change. Someone I greatly respect continued to say that certain people were resistant to change. I disagreed vehemently, saying they were BEGGING for change. So why were things not moving fast given these new demands? Turns out they really were “resistant to change” but it wasn’t what we typically think of when we hear that term. Or at least not for the entire group.
There are countless reasons why people fail to accept change and this impacts all parts of life. These barriers, or blocks, can show up in the workplace or in one’s personal life. They can harm your psyche and your career. The key is to identify why an individual is opposed to change since the refusal to change often has negative effects.
Change is all around us. Since change is inevitable, how do we accept it?
1. Conquer fear by embracing the unknown.
Dinner with my nieces at a sushi restaurant years ago had me thinking about one aspect of change reticence. Shortly after we sat down at our table and ordered, the sushi arrived. I travel a lot and eat food from all over the world. I’m also a foodie and even blogged a lot about favorite restaurants when I lived in Chicago and London. I will try almost anything once. So clearly I am comfortable with sushi. For my nieces, they were not as exposed by that age to a huge variety of foods. They were faced with what they consider unusual cuisine.
This leads to my first answer as to why people resist change: fear. The food made both of my nieces feel uncertain and afraid. It required them to try something different. Something potentially uncomfortable. What if it had a negative impact when they tried it?
My youngest niece started examining the food and even smelled it. She poked at the sushi as if she were a world-famous chef or food critic examining a meal. After a few moments, her older sister spoke up.
“If Uncle Adam likes this, I will try it,” she declared. She did. And while I don’t suspect she became a regular after that, she kind of liked it.
She conquered her fear by focusing on the fact that someone she trusted was not afraid. All that I had to do was make a show of enjoying my food. These kids were afraid of something unknown showing up in their world. With positive reinforcement and example, I was able to convince them (at least the older one) that sushi was nothing to fear.
When reluctance to change is rooted in fear, then the solution is to show people the opposite. The unknown is not always positive, but many times it can be beneficial to them! It doesn’t always have to be a negative, repulsive experience.
2. Eradicate ignorance by encouraging education.
People who are resistant to change are often unfamiliar with the type of material to which they are being exposed. It can differ from their educational background. Diversity, Equity and Inclusion is perhaps the best example of an area where this element of change reticence has impact. In some areas in the United States, the people who decide the curriculum might not touch on what they consider sensitive topics based upon their personal beliefs. When their students become adults and have been raised in such an environment, then they have no experience with diversity.
If all you’ve seen your entire life are green crayons, seeing a purple crayon at age 55 might just freak you out.
Whether they were sheltered by their parents, their community, or an educational system, it leaves them intellectually ignorant when it comes to diversity and inclusion issues. Before I get the negative reactions, let me add that this isn’t to say that this is the case for everyone from that background or that diverse communities don’t have their own prejudices and biases! Rather, this means that issues like discomfort with race or sexuality become an issue for many people for reasons other than hate. For some, they might see the outside world and retreat to a system that is more comfortable for them and doesn’t challenge their beliefs. Many others embrace differences and are enamored with them.
Regardless of where we originate, all humans have genes that wire them with intellectual curiosity. We can leverage this more. If we can get people excited about learning, then this element of change resistance diminishing. When confronted with something new and shown support for learning about it, the majority of people will be more open to changing their thinking patterns.
3. Inspire change by defeating apathy.
Some people really just don’t care. And that makes change even harder.
You know these people. They are often sarcastic, lethargic, and comfortable with the benefits they receive without changing. Even if they don’t include others in the workplace, or embrace new solutions or ideas, they tend to think it’s fine since they have been successful just the way they are. They get change. They even understand why it may be relevant to others, unlike those that are afraid of change or ignorant of the opportunity.
Many apathetic people use their sentiment as a crutch because at one point they did care or wanted changes. Their life experiences taught them change wouldn’t happen or that they had to fight with sticks because stronger weapons were not available. They develop shells and don’t engage. When faced with this “I don’t have time for change” crowd, it’s easy to become frustrated (and sarcastic in return). But alas, there is hope. This groups simply needs to have an opportunity to incorporate change into their lives and see results. You’ve got to make the dream seem real, the benefits tangible.
I used to joke that every important email needed a subject “You will make more money if you do this”. That was until all the hackers and spammers started using it!
4. Be aware of argumentative entertainment.
Lastly, there are people who aren’t like the apathetic types who resist change due to their own defense mechanisms or historic lethargy. In social settings, there are often those who simply enjoy criticizing. These people enjoy feeling powerful and find that shutting other people down makes them feel better about themselves. When introducing change or new ideas to a workplace or any setting, beware of those that detract from the meetings for attention or to otherwise derail it.
When it comes to the detractors who ruin positive and important messages about change, the key here is to not let them change you. They might be dedicated to rejecting ideas as some form of entertainment in what they consider a droll office meeting or other situation. When faced with that type of attitude, it’s important to nurture the people who are listening.
The odd benefit of dealing with a heckler or extremely disruptive person is that they will often lend support to your cause. If you’re giving a seminar on change and someone is completely obnoxious, people who would otherwise be on the fence about the content might change their minds. They are seeing someone willing to stand up for their beliefs and attempt to live these values, despite the criticism.
Change matters and it will never stop happening. Blanketing everyone that has an issue with change as “resistant” is oversimplified. Instead focus on what is the cause of the reticence. Understanding that might help you find a means to get them on board after all. There are no easy answers but change leaders must be able to preach to the choir and reach the apostates.
As always, I would love to hear what you think.
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Be good to people.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Do we need the title “Business Partner” to be a partner?
Let me start by giving credit to a peer of mine who reminded me of this blog post long since drafted and patiently waiting for its day to be made public. It began with a conversation around teaming and leadership. What resonated with me was the tactical use of the word partner in titles.
It’s seen all over the corporate world in titles such as IT business partner and HR business partner. Pretty much everyone that isn’t directly aligned to the business unit as a leader is called a business partner. Yet it is perhaps in the name of the function and the expectations that it drives where we find most problems arise. In short, we don’t need partners. We need players.
Sports
My sports analogies tend to be pretty bad since I’m not exactly a super athlete nor do I spend much time following sports. That said, I do recognize that on a sports team there are various roles and responsibilities. Many parts that work together as a cohesive unit.
There are the leaders on the sideline that strategized from afar. There are the leaders on the field that drive play by play execution of those strategies. And there are players that both follow the lead and make ad hoc critical decisions when there is a need to deviate from the strategy.
Each player and every leader is important. They’re all part of an ecosystem and the most effective teams master putting each of those players together in the most efficient and optimized manner such as to drive towards a shared goal.
Avengers
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a massive Marvel fan and I’ve watched every movie in the franchise multiple times. So forgive me for this one.
The Avengers came together over the years as a result of a series of problems. Each member of The Avengers was highly equipped to solve some of those problems. There were several episodes, or comic books, where there was one superhero and one specific problem to solve but The Avengers came to light when the problem became too big for any one of the superheroes to solve alone.
Once The Avengers came together, it was no longer relevant what their history was as much as it was relevant how they worked together to solve the problem. They all brought something to the table, and for the most part they all recognized Captain America and Tony Stark as leaders of the Avengers. But each of these people brought their unique skills to the table AND contributed to strategic planning for the issue they were trying to solve.
Corporate World
The corporate environment is not at all like either of these two scenarios. Hierarchies in structures have created in so many ways inefficient teaming. Individual behaviors are driven so much by the title on their business card, their level within the organization, or the particular background they bring to their role.
As a result, we have the proliferation of titles such as business partner. Have you ever thought about the significance of that title? In what world must you add the word partner to someone’s title to encourage the right behavior? And are you trying to encourage the business with which the individual is partnering or are you trying to encourage the individual?
If the title was something that did not include the word partner, would you only let the person in the room for a few minutes instead of the entire meeting? Is there an alternative to a partner mentality that is so negative that you use the word partner to excise that mentality? And if I do not include the word partner in my title, do you assume I am not partner-like? Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic but I think you get the point.
Whether we are partners, players, or leaders there are more effective ways to nurture a successful team beyond the addition of an arbitrary word to a title. Consider the strength, skills, and perspective of individuals. How can we coax out the value of those unique attributes for the benefit of the team?
Tips for moving from being an invited “partner” to a needed player
1. When you have that thought or opinion, say it.
How often have you been in a meeting but left without sharing a thought that came to mind which you felt was brilliant, or at least relevant? Perhaps it was a meeting with peers or superiors in which a topic came up that was outside of your expertise. Maybe it felt safer to stay in your lane and not speak up.
So often, fear of embarrassment or perhaps the fact that the topic was outside of our expertise keeps us from sharing. Even more likely, the culture of the company was such that no one even acknowledged our presence during such a topic. Too often we are known solely for our role as stated on our business cards.
Playing it safe and not sharing our thoughts doesn’t benefit anyone. As the saying goes, no guts no glory, so throw caution to the wind and say what’s on your mind. You’ll never know what can come of your idea unless you send it out into the world.
2. Ask a question in every meeting
In every meeting, regardless of the topic, ask a question. Someone I respect is very good at doing this effectively. To be perfectly honest at first I found it a bit strange, but I can’t argue with the fact that it works.
Initially it reminded me of some of my classmates in business school that simply wanted to be heard. Frankly some of those classmates barely listened to the conversation at all. They certainly didn’t acknowledge what had been said by fellow classmates.
This colleague however makes it clear that they listen to the conversation. They absorb the content and they craft the question in a way that both demonstrates their understanding of the topic and also pushes the conversation forward. This is a skill that I think every leader needs to learn.
You are in the room because you bring a unique point of view. You can make us better. Have you asked the right questions with a fresh perspective?
3) DON’T leave your hat or jacket at the door
I get kind of annoyed when I hear the term “leave your jacket at the door”. It is usually used when people want you to come into the room as part of a team to solve a problem. It’s not that the intention isn’t just but perhaps short sighted.
The fact is, I actually want my leaders to bring their expertise into the room. I want them to come in and represent their particular towers or functions. I just don’t want that expertise or the views of their particular towers to prevent them from thinking about the problem more comprehensively. I don’t want them so focused on their tower that they can’t see the problem from a bigger point of view.
When they enter the room, I want their number one team to be the team in the room and not the team that they represent. I want them to bring that hat or jacket in the room with them, but set it on the back of their chair. Your hat or jacket is NOT you. Your title is not you. You matter because you bring a different perspective individually AND you represent your team.
We are not defined by the titles on our business cards. The words printed there do not empower us nor should they stifle our ability to contribute to the team. Regardless of the labels attached to us, each of us brings ideas, questions, experiences, and a unique perspective which allows us to contribute to a conversation beyond the scope of our title.
Remember, being a better leader and creating a more consciously inclusive environment is good for your people and good for the company.
