by Adam L Stanley | Feb 21, 2017 | Leadership, Life, Relationships
“Too often, companies fail to cultivate relationships with key decision-makers until a crisis hits, at which point it’s too late. Know the cell phone numbers of such people so that you can call them on Sunday night in real time, not after the fact on Monday morning.”
— Jaap de Hoop Scheffer, Former Secretary-General, NATO
Make friends before you need them
I guess this is the easiest way I can say this: you either want a life connection or you don’t.
I wouldn’t say that I’m a “networker” per se, although some people observing me might think I am. Rather, I like to forge long-term connections with people around shared interests — and only some of the time is that standard business. Much more of the time, it’s food, wine, theater, technology, or other passions. Hopefully, you have read my blog on this topic: Aim for life connections instead of networking.
The thing that bothers me in any discussion about relationship-building or standard networking is that often, the lesson seems to be that you connect with people when you need them. I disagree. I don’t want to be called when you need me if you had no interest before that. You either want the life connection or you don’t. It’s not contextual to “I need something now.”
The executive recruiter who placed me in my current role is the same recruiter who placed me in my role at Aon several years ago. He periodically checked in on me and had set a recurring event on his calendar marking the anniversary of my Aon start date. Just over three years ago, he reached out to me on this anniversary and we arranged a breakfast. That breakfast led to the introduction to, and unlikely connection with, my current company. It came as a result of a life connection – a relationship – not because I was looking for a role.
I have other recruiters in my “network” who call and email aggressively when they are trying to fill a role, yet never reach out in between. And how many emails do I get from people who worked for me years ago saying something like “Hi, I know it has been years since we have spoken but I am now looking for a job. Can you help?”
Or how about those family members or friends who don’t reach out to you for years, then one day, ask for money or favors? It happens far too often. Thus, my rant.
Make friends before you need them.
People want to feel needed and loved all the time, and not simply when you want their help or need something. And by “people,” I would definitely include myself.
But how do you do this? Here are a few tips.
Always use social media cheats.
Facebook and LinkedIn remind you of special occasions and make it very easy to say happy birthday or congrats to peeps in your circle. Use them. This is a great, quick way to say hello and it keeps your name fresh in their minds. Use the “you might know” feature too. Every social platform has a variation of this. It turns out that your high school football teammate married someone who works at a company you admire. Reach out immediately. Don’t wait until you decide to pursue a job at that company. By that point, it’s too late.
Buy stamps and custom note cards and use them.
I bought each of my nieces and my nephew 36 thank you notes and urged them to use them throughout the year. That is less than one personal note each week but likely about 34 more than they sent last year. Email is easy and crowded. Online billing and electronic advertising have resulted in snail mail being predominantly political crap and charities. Take advantage of the gap and send a personal card. The average white collar professional gets 120+ emails per day; often it feels like more than that. Email gets lost. A card will not and will ultimately mean more than a few email lines or something on Facebook.
Pick up the phone instead of flipping your middle finger.
Commuting is not fun. More than half of Americans spend at least 40 minutes in their round-trip commute. Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman and his team found that people find as much happiness in commuting as they do in housework. That pretty much means that the commute stinks.
Do you have to drive everyday and often get stuck in traffic? Use that time for calls NOT related to work. Talking work AND dealing with stress, unless you REALLY like your job, will increase likelihood of road rage. Call someone funny that you haven’t heard from in years. Call the woman you heard started an amazing company this year. Call your allegedly best friend you have likely only touched via texts for at least a week. If you are on a train for your commute, commit to handwriting a note or sending an email to someone with whom you have not connected in 6 months.
Say yes more.
Saying yes to more opportunities opens up a world of new life connections, allowing you to expand your world beyond the immediate circle. While sometimes this may mean going beyond that with which you are normally comfortable, it will open you up to more people who you may be able to help and who may be able to help you. Plus, it helps you live a more optimal life.
Go to those reunions. Accept random coffee requests. Return the call of those headhunters and agree to exploratory interviews. Think about how many work events you go to because you feel you have to. Make at least a similar amount of time available for yoga, small venue concerts, and that pottery class you considered twenty years ago. Actually talk to the parents waiting with you when you pick up your kids from school or attend the soccer match.
Taking a risk and doing something different can be both liberating and empowering. If you normally hesitate when asked, for example, to volunteer for something, saying yes might lead to rewarding personal and professional results today and later on when you need help.
Maintain an events and occasions calendar.
This can be especially relevant if you change jobs frequently. Use Google or a private email server for this given birthdays are for life. Record special dates of coworkers, former coworkers or cool people you meet. Don’t be creepy, but sending a note that says “Hey. Just realized the annual blah Blah blah event is coming up. It was such a pleasure sitting at the table with you and Sally last year I thought I would reach out to see if you were attending this year. Want to join me again?” Simple and not creepy.
Call someone today.
When a job comes up or there’s a chance to start a new company or any other opportunity is “public,” it’s already too late. The core people are already known and in the system contextually. When you need help, or are in the midst of a crisis, it is so much harder to find help in the moment. If you want to be one of those core people for any opportunity, or to be able to connect with help in a crisis, you absolutely need to make friends before you need them.
Be well. Lead On.
Adam
Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog
Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
AdamLStanley.com
Follow me on Twitter | Connect with me on Linked In | “Like” me on Facebook
Related Posts:
Change while times are good
Aim for life connections instead of networking
by Adam L Stanley | Dec 31, 2015 | Leadership, Life, Quotes and Inspiration, Relationships
I Don’t DO New Year’s Resolutions
My friends and colleagues that know me well know that I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. Sure, I want to be healthier, work out more, make more phone calls, blah, blah, and blah. But why tell everyone that each January when life changes too frequently for those kind of commitments. Last year, I drafted a list of five simple things people could resolve to do instead of their normal lists. And I stand to that. I would love to hear whether you tried any of them. (See here if you did not read that post.)
This year, instead of a resolution, I decided to document something much more important.
My Personal Ten Commandments
I got this idea from a book of ideas I received from a professional organization I have just joined. And I think it is brilliant. Your life will change. Your job will change. Your circle of friends will evolve. But your core values and principles should be consistent. And while you may compromise on compensation, title, which restaurant to dine at or movie to see, there should be certain things about which you refuse to compromise. Here are my personal 10 Commandments. I would love to see yours!
I. I will put life before money
Money is helpful in life but it is not life. I enjoy the fruits of my career, but do not be deceived as I would rather have nothing than sellout my core values. I will not devote my life to the pursuit of money, popularity, prestige, or social status. I will not envy someone else’s worldly goods, personal or professional reputation, achievements or any temporary success.
II. I will be my authentic self.
Regardless of how successful someone might seem, trying to emulate that person will not make me equally successful. Yes, that jerk has made it to a high point in his career. But I am not a jerk. I do not want to be a jerk. And if being a jerk is required to get to that next step, I will accept my ceiling happily.
III. I will never use religion to justify intolerance
I am unashamedly and apologetically a Christian. My beliefs influence how I act and how I make decisions. However, my beliefs are personal and should never be used for hate or harm. I expect the same from others but sadly this has not been the case, especially of late.
IV. I will never lose sight of the big picture.
Details are important, but too often relationships are hurt, jobs killed, and wars lost because people lost sight of what really mattered. I will endeavor to always see the forest AND the trees.
V. In all that I do, I will strive for high quality
I must continually look to improve on old models and practices, working to dedicate myself to being the best that I can be, everyday, in whatever activity or cause to which I find myself attached.
VI. I will love, honor, and cherish those that nurtured me
The purpose of life is to gather the wisdom of the ages, add your individuality and change the world. Try to make it a better or at least a more interesting place. H Wexler
My mom and dad, my sister and my best friends. My mentors Ken P, Louis R, Mike E, Jack W, Adam S, Dan K, and on an on. You mean so much to me and have taught me so much. I learned from you and for that I thank you. I hope to provide similar nurturing to future leaders.
VII. No one is better than me and I am no better than anyone else
Do not treat the lives of other people as less valuable than your own. Ever. No matter how right you may feel. Start with the premise of equality and then try to find the perspective of the other side. I am saddened by the hatred in the world today largely caused by people forgetting the one rule that exists in all major world religions. Treat others as you want to be treated. Do not be prejudiced. I will always try to get to know the individual and not judge him or her by a race, religion, or other characteristic.
VIII. I will allow individuals to drive their destiny and take responsibility for their decisions
I blogged on this recently with a focus on senior leaders. But the principle applies to everyone. If you allow people to make as many decisions about their own lives and circles, they will be better equipped than you. And, they can learn from their successes and failures.
IX. I will be honest and fair
A white lie is a lie. Misleading people is like telling a white lie. Hiding key elements of a complete story is misleading people. I will strive to be as honest and true as possible, managing truth that could hurt people effectively but never hiding the truth to avoid difficult conversations. I will not cheat or exploit people. I will not always be polite or politically correct, but I will be respectful.
X. I will laugh at every opportunity, and with as many people as I can.
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. –Bob Newhart
So, that’s my list. What’s yours? Have a wonderful, relaxing as you want it to be, fun as you’d like it to be, New Year. And thank you for your continued connection.
Be well. Lead On.
Adam
Related Posts:
Who Am I?
Expectations of Leaders at all Levels
Khalil Gibran on Leadership
Lessons from Henry V
Also check out:
“To Be Happier, Write Your Own Set of Personal Commandments” by @gretchenrubin on @LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20131129204900-6526187-to-be-happier-write-your-own-set-of-personal-commandments
Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog
Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
AdamLStanley.com
Follow me on Twitter | Connect with me on Linked In | “Like†me on Facebook
by Adam L Stanley | Nov 29, 2014 | Leadership, Life, Relationships, Technology
Could it be that your Mr or Mrs Right is standing in front of you at Starbucks or Protein Bar?
Can you live without it for a week? Day? 5 minutes?
Put down your smartphones people. Let me repeat. Put down your smartphone. Well, after you read this blog of course.
Every morning, I stand in line at Starbucks waiting for my daily grande black eye and roasted ham and swiss sandwich. Yes, a creature of habit, I get the same thing every day, 510 calories of buttery goodness. But I digress. As I stand in line, I look at the diversity of people standing around me. I see tall and short. I see black, white, Latino, and Asian. I see thick and thin. I see business women, artists, bicycle messengers, and lawyers (lots of lawyers, actually). I see gay and straight, tall and short. Lots of people I find attractive, and some you might find attractive even if I do not. And, more often than not, NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY TALKING TO EACH OTHER. No actual engaging in human interaction with other beings. What are they doing? They are on their smartphones.
Texting. Facebooking. Snapchatting. Emailing. Tweeting. Blogging. Calendaring. Working. Planning. Doing just about everything except actually communicating with people nearby.
And all I can think is, what a missed opportunity? Growing up, I remember my mom taking me to the grocery store with her. While waiting in line to checkout, inevitably, she would end up in conversation with the person behind her. My dad would share his opinions with just about everyone he ran into in a local hardware store or at the police station after work. I grew up communicating with people and the love of communicating, coupled with my fascination with people watching, has been with me for decades. Enter smartphones.
And now, yes, I find myself standing in line searching for the latest blog by Switch and Shift, seeing what my colleagues are chatting about on Yammer, religiously following back on Twitter, and fighting the never ending battle to clean out my email inbox (Sad reality: It will never happen. Just accept it.) So, lest I be called a hypocrite, I will admit what I am asking you to do is difficult. INCREDIBLY difficult. Â But let’s try it together.
Let’s put down our cell phones.
1) Set a target for how long you will leave it in a drawer or the car.
Only you can decide what is a stretch but realistic target in terms of period of time. Could be a a week? A day? How about an hour during the business day? 5 minutes?
2) Go somewhere you go fairly regularly, and strike up a conversation with someone around you
During your no cell phone (day/week/hour/minute) make a visit to a grocery store, coffee shop, food spot, office break room, or anywhere you typically find yourself on a fairly regular basis. Do what you normally do EXCEPT use your phone (to completely avoid temptation, pay with … gasp … CASH rather than using your smartphone payment app). If you, like me, get energy from others and are more extroverted, strike up a conversation. If you are more of a people watcher, just observe the traits, attitudes, outfits, hair, whatever! If you are bold, flirt with the amazing person you now realize comes to the same place at the same time every day.
3) Encourage someone else to do the same thing.
You will meet someone cool, notice a new hair style or fashion, or maybe even simply realize for the first time how good your coffee tastes when you drink it piping hot and only focus on the experience. Share that with someone, share it with me or others on this blog. Spread the word.
With so many dating sites around, perhaps some of you are spending this time on these sites, editing your profile and replying to messages? There are sites for Christians, Jews, farmers, baby boomers, gay men and lesbian women, millionaires, and more. And I have many many many friends that are long-term or recently single. As I look around at the heads bowed down, eyes focused on phones and tablets, I can’t help but wonder if perhaps we are missing something fairly basic.
Could it be that your Mr or Mrs Right is standing in front of you at Starbucks or Protein Bar? Look up. Now!
Be Well. Lead On.
Adam
One final note >>>
Pedestrians: Put down your cell phones. Unless you live in a city that has one of these special cellphone lanes. Yeah, I think its pretty sad too!
Cellphone Lane? (China Daily via Reuters)
Adam Stanley
Adam L. Stanley Connections Blog
Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
AdamLStanley.com
Follow me on Twitter | Connect with me on Linked In | “Like me on Facebook
Use the “you might know” feature too. Every social platform has a variation of this. It turns out that your high school football teammate married someone who works at a company you admire. Reach out immediately. Don’t wait until you decide to pursue a job at that company. By that point, it’s too late.
II. I will be my authentic self. 
