I recently had an eye-opening experience that got me thinking about the concept of comfort, privilege, and inclusivity in our everyday lives. The incident involved a friend who usually revels in his familiar social circle and activities. In this particular circumstance, his weekend routine included indulging in fine dining, lounging by the pool with friends, enjoying an array of expertly mixed (by others) cocktails, and staying in comfortable, private accommodations (my home) instead of a hotel. In many ways, his life that weekend was a bubble of comfort and predictability similar to his life in his home city.
However, one outing that weekend pushed him out of this bubble. After a weekend of being able to do all of the “normal” stuff, he was taken to explore various city sites, culminating in a visit to a majority LGBTQ bar featuring a drag performer. This was a departure from his norm, and his reaction was, frankly, disappointing. Upon feeling out of his element, he chose to walk out, citing discomfort. His decision not only created an awkward situation but also led to frustration among everyone else involved. Frankly, it ruined the entire weekend.
This incident has stayed with me, and it keeps gnawing at me much more than it should. It highlighted a stark reality: the privilege of being uncomfortable only occasionally is something many people do not have. For individuals who find themselves outside the majority – whether due to their sexuality, race, religion, or any other aspect – discomfort is often a constant companion. It’s not something they can choose to walk away from; it’s a part of their daily existence.
My friend’s inability to remain in a setting that was outside his norm speaks volumes about the bubbles we create around ourselves. These bubbles are safe spaces, but they also limit our understanding and acceptance of different perspectives and lifestyles. His reaction was a missed opportunity for growth, for stepping into someone else’s shoes, for understanding and empathy. (And it was immature and childish, in my opinion. As it could have been handled much better.)
I think about the individuals in that bar, for whom such spaces are sanctuaries where they can freely express themselves without judgment or fear. What message did my friend’s abrupt departure send to them? It was perhaps a reminder that their reality is often seen as uncomfortable or challenging by those who live in the comfort of the majority.
This experience has been a catalyst for my own reflection on privilege and the importance of stepping out of our comfort zones. It’s easy to remain ensconced in environments where our views are never challenged, and our way of life is never questioned. But growth, understanding, and inclusivity come from experiencing the unfamiliar, from recognizing and respecting the diversity of the world around us.
My friend’s discomfort could have been a moment of learning and broadening his horizons. Instead, it turned into a retreat to the familiar, to the comfortable. It’s a reminder that being able to choose when and how we confront discomfort is a privilege in itself – a privilege that many do not have.
As we navigate through life, it’s crucial to recognize this privilege and challenge ourselves to embrace discomfort from time to time. It’s in these moments that we grow the most, developing a deeper understanding of the rich tapestry of human experiences that make up our world.
I didn’t talk publicly about September 11 until almost 10 years after the horrible day. The day the world changed. And then I wrote a few posts and shared more. Then I started to reduce the amount that I talked about what happened that day. And some people ask me if it’s because I think it no longer matters or if too much time has passed. Does it mean as much today as it did 22 years ago? Does it impact me the same?
And I’m not really sure how to answer that. Because whenever I think about what happened that day I still have the same feelings of anger and fear and frustration that I had over 20 years ago.
I still remember my morning in lower Manhattan that day. I still think about the images of people running down the street and clouds of debris flying after them and towards me. I still wonder what it is that I am supposed to be doing in the world. Because instead of taking my normal route that would have had me in the World Trade Center at the exact time the first plane hit, I took a different route.
I still recall the kindness of strangers that I met when I walked over that bridge in Brooklyn. The unity amongst black, brown, white, and all the colors of the world gathered in solidarity against evil. I’m smiling thinking of the family that took me to Queens to stay with them for the night. While I figured out what I was supposed to do next. And the cute pictures on the wall of the bedroom I stayed in which belonged to a little boy.
I remember the smells of lower Manhattan. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually talked about the smells but I remember the smells. The smell on the morning which was of an intense burning stronger than any fire I’d ever smelled. The smell of the people around me covered in dust and dirt and sweat. The smell a few days later when I was finally able to leave the city on a train to Philadelphia so that I could rent a car with 4 strangers to take me back to my family in Chicago. And the smell when I first came back to New York in October a few weeks after. The smell of death and decay. The most awful smell I have ever experienced.
But I also remember the calls, texts, and messages. The ones that came through when my mobile phone finally starting to work again. My loved ones and even long silent friends checking in to make sure I was ok. My fellow New York based friends that had been stuck on the upper side of the Island.
I also remember the sense of community continuing today and yet still very different. Those that were in the building and survived could understand each other but not talk to others. Those who like me were just down the street felt pain and sadness yet struggled to find the words to say to our colleagues at ground zero. And I just could not listen to people with lots to say who were nowhere near the city that day. I get it. We all saw it replayed over and over again on television. But only some saw the desperation directly. The bodies. The debris.
And I remember the ignorance. The conversation with my Sikh colleague as he told me how many people were making hateful comments to him because he, like some Muslims, wore a head wrap. The assholes that made statements about Jews. People were angry and often that anger b needed an outlet. So i remember how quickly community became dissent became community again. The cycle continues today. The constant search for a common enemy. A shared experience.
So I guess the answer is that of course I remember. Like it did after the death of my stepfather Karl that happened 10 years later, the pain does dissipate. And I no longer feel guilty about that. But the memories remain. And the triggers exist. And so occasionally I will write about it. I will always think of those who lost their lives simply because they went to work. I will always be grateful to those who lost their lives actively running toward the danger. They saved thousands. And I thank God for pulling me through and helping guide my path that day and every day.
As a black man in America, to get ahead you must learn to adapt to working with so many different people. Some will think you are angry. Some will think you are emotional. Some will find you arrogant while others will question your confidence. Some will say you are too aggressive and others will tell you that you are too nice. You are either too masculine or not masculine enough. Black employees are judged negatively for self-promotion yet often left out of lists for promotions because they “are not visible enough”. And heaven forbid if you don’t fit into the sterotypical vision of a black man they expect: straight, religious, macho, “urban”.
Everyone will assume one thing or another about you without really taking the time to get to know you personally because ultimately they either fear you or simply do not find you relevant enough to take the time. As evolution works, those of us that advance are those who figure out the system enough to chart their path through an unequal, unfair, and incredibly biased system using skills that inevitably require them to be tougher, more resilient, and perhaps a bit less sympathetic to those who either have not had the same fight or have given up the fight. So when someone in that space leaves the system to which they have become accustomed and comes to a vastly different system, a supposedly more enlightened system, they find themselves out of the frying pan and into a roaster. And so ultimately they just leave all institutionalized systems and aim to create their own. But is this really possible?
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Be good to people.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
In 2015, I drafted my personal ten commandments and shared them through this blog. It’s been several years, a global pandemic, a marriage, a relocation, multiple bosses, and now approaching another decade in the next couple of years. Yikes. So, I thought it was time to brush off the commandments.
Your life will change. Your job will change. Your circle of friends will evolve. But your core values and principles should be consistent. And while you may compromise on compensation, title, which restaurant to dine at or movie to see, there should be certain things about which you refuse to compromise. Your values should drive how you respond to change, success, and to trials. Here are my personal 10 Commandments.
I. Be Mindful
Every day. This is first because in many ways it is the toughest. This is continuing to smile as you are given very disappointing news. This is being respectful when you want to scream profanities. This is rising above and, as Michelle Obama famously said, when they go low, you go high. And, as my Dad says, unless God calls first, there will be a tomorrow.
I try to make choices that I believe benefit the world and make it a better place. The world is especially challenging right now, making this more difficult than normal, but I still do my best to make good choices. I remember that though I may disagree with others’ acts and opinions, God still calls on me to love them as I love myself.
II. Be Kind
There is never any reason to be an asshole. Being unkind is not going to convince people to be nice to you. In fact, being a jerk is most likely going to cause people to dislike you and do as little for you as they can. You’ll commonly hear that cheaters never win, and the same goes for mean people. My mom taught me this more than most. After weeks of hearing me crying about bullies in middle school, she called me to the back porch and gave me a tough lesson for which I am eternally grateful. In the end, she taught me, the nice people are going to win with their dignity in tact. Think about your life in high school. The bullies are usually the ones who end up working under the people who were kind. They peak in that one moment you feel you are at your lowest, but you continue to rise. You continue to shine. Be kind, always.
I have often told the story of a senior leader at a prior job that called me into a meeting with him and proceeded to tell me something that ultimately changed my career. He said that the clients loved my work and I could be an integral part of his team but that I was too nice. He said I needed to be more of an asshole and stop doing things like letting my team go home at 10:30 pm!! I smiled, always adhering to my #1 commandment, and thanked him for his candor. I then called the superiors back in our home office and told them I was not interested in working with this individual anymore and that I would be working to leave the project or leave the firm, whichever was necessary.
I chose to be the nice guy. Even if it meant I would not be a part of this “marquee” team, I refused to be an asshole for sport. And I’m blessed to be able to say today that I am better for it. Better health. Better financially. Greater opportunities opened up for me. And the people with whom I have worked before would typically work with me again. Something I could certainly not say for this particular “leader”.
III. Be Bold
Change doesn’t happen overnight, and it takes a lot of voices for anything to get done. Whatever you have strong feelings about, use your voice to speak up to enact change. You have to make your thoughts heard if you want to help make a difference. This could be through actually speaking, posting on social media, blogging, or helping behind the scenes in activist groups. Part of courage is helping to lift others up. You shouldn’t be bold just for yourself. You want to help make a difference for others.
Roy T. Bennett says it well, in his bookThe Light in the Heart: “Be brave to stand for what you believe in even if you stand alone.” So true! It is easy to be safe and so hard to take chances. Especially if you fall in any bucket where you lack safety in numbers.
This is likely my hardest commandment. This is risky. This is taking a chance where the safe path would be so much easier.
IV. Be Transparent
Be honest and clear about who you are. You, as an individual, are important. You need to let the world see you for who you truly are. I keep a photo of myself with my husband and my dog on a wall that is featured in all my zoom videos. It’s important to me that everyone understands who I am and what is important to me. In order to be transparent, you must first be self-aware. There is a quote by Prasad Mahes that encapsulates this, “The mind is like water. When it is turbulent, it is difficult to see. When it is calm, everything becomes clear.” You have to know who you are and embrace it to move forward in the world.
V. Be Authentic
It can be tempting to pretend to be something you are not to move ahead in the world. Don’t do this. It isn’t helping you or anyone else. You need to be true to who you are. Being inauthentic is going to cause you a lot of stress and pain in the long run. And it is frankly EXTREMELY TIRING to be fake. Sometimes I want to shake certain people and say “snap out of it” just to get them to take off the façade they have built up so strongly around their authentic selves. So I refuse to pretend to be someone else, even if it means I may not get certain opportunities as quickly.
VI. Be Curious
As a human being, you are designed to be learning all the time. The end of formal schooling does not mean you should stop seeking knowledge. Make it a point to continue to learn new things all the time. This could be a simple as getting a daily calendar with a new fact each day. Or, you could seek additional formal education to seek out something new. Some examples of things you could study are a new culture, a new religion, a new recipe, or something related to your job.
Always ask questions and seek new information. It will make you a better person. I blogged a while ago about Hiring for Character and Values. And one of the main targets was the intellectually curious!
VII. Be Honest
Lying is another behavior that can be tempting if it will help move things in a certain direction. However, it’s not worth it. Lying is never going to end up working out for you in the end. Someone is bound to find out it isn’t the truth, and that is going to cause a lot of trouble for you. Also, if you have to lie to get something done, it isn’t something you should be doing anyway. The mental stress lying will cause you, plus the fact it isn’t very ethical, is why you should avoid it at all costs. General rule of thumb: consider how you would feel if it appears on the cover of Wall Street Journal.
VIII. Be Straightforward
There is a well-known phrase that deals with being straightforward. You may hear someone reference the knife someone put in their back. This often means that someone thought another person was being honest with them but went behind their back and did something they didn’t approve of. You want to avoid this. If you have something to say to someone, just say it. Don’t talk behind their back on side channels or in backroom chatter. It’s rude, and it isn’t going to solve anything. It also doesn’t make you look good as people are probably judging you for talking that way about someone behind their back.
IX. Be Purposeful
Some people surround themselves with many people and call them all their friends. For some people, this works. However, I prefer to have a few select friends that I develop a deep friendship with, rather than a bunch of people I don’t actually have a connection with. I have changed my mindset from wanting to be surrounded by people to embracing time with a few close friends. In work, I try to seek out opportunities where my work can also drive positive change.
X. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
You are bound to make some mistakes. It is part of being human. However, you have to learn to recognize when a mistake is something that needs to be focused on and fixed versus when a mistake is something you need to just let go and move on. For example, failing one math test in school is not going to ruin your life. Learn from it and study harder next time. Stewing on the failure is going to make it harder to do well the next time. However, if you mess up something at work that is going to impact many people, you should work on fixing it and how to avoid making the mistake the next time. Just remember that the small mistakes aren’t going to matter at the end of your life. Don’t let the stress ruin your life.
YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED. You will know you deserve that promotion more than the other individual. You will listen to their words that tell you they value you yet not see any evidence. Someone you love will hurt you with their mistake or their transgression. You will see people with more money, more this, more that. Life isn’t always fair. But thank God for life and the opportunity to live another day regardless. Be grateful for the opportunity to walk around your neighborhood and find wonder in those little miracles you would otherwise ignore. Look at the ants at work. Smell the roses. Note the gentle swaying of the trees at the faintest breeze. Watch the birds chirp it up while the squirrels start to stock up for the winter season.
Remember that you work so that you may live. You don’t live to work. So Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff!
Commandments are guidelines, ideals
The first part of living a successful life is knowing what you want to get out of it. It is up to you to decide what ideals you want to live your life by. Take my ten commandments as a guide and create your own list of commandments you want to guide your life. Perhaps your list will be similar to mine, or maybe you will have a completely different list. Do what works for you. I would love to hear from you.
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
Covid is still an issue. Please stay safe, get vaccinated, and wear a mask around lots of unknown people.
Adam L. Stanley
Connections Blog Technology. Leadership. Food. Life.
Giving feedback is critical to development. Especially now.
In recent years much has been said about diversity and inclusion. Studies continue to show that more diverse companies are both more profitable and faster growing. We are finally starting to have open and honest conversations about what can be done to improve racial and gender equity within the corporate environment.
I started thinking about this a lot recently as I overheard a conversation about a particular person’s performance. The comments, though not aggressively so, were negative. It was clear that the manager did not feel this employee was performing at an acceptable level.
I asked the manager if he had told the employee about these issues and if it was clear to the employee what she needed to do to improve to an acceptable level of productivity. Based upon the response that I got, it became quite clear there had not been the level of conversation that was warranted. The manager was not regularly meeting with the employee nor had he ever sat down to explicitly talk through the performance challenges and lay out an agreed upon improvement plan.
My suspicion is that this happens a lot and the end result is that individuals are not coached and instead end up being terminated. (Let me be very clear here: I am not a researcher nor have I done a study. This is a blog of reasonable OPINION.) A further suspicion is that if you are already part of a group that does not feel engaged socially or connected politically within a company your opportunity to thrive will be diminished. If on top of that you have a bad manager your chances of success are next to naught.
Could cultural differences lead to missed opportunities to learn from each other? When you really break it all down the question becomes is diversity and inclusion as much of a talent management and leadership issue as it is about racial bias and historical prejudices? Do we lose people of color in corporate America due to bad management more so than outright bad behaviors? What factors are contributing to these issues?
1. Everyone is walking on eggshells
I’ve heard from some that they are afraid of giving honest feedback to women or people of color because they do not want to appear sexist or racist. The argument is that the world has become so politically correct that providing feedback is a risk. These individuals often feel more comfortable discussing their colleagues in a forum where random and unrelated people can hear.
Instead of the individual getting the constructive feedback that can help them improve, they are simply getting the negative about their performance from coffee room conversations. This can lead to feelings of isolation. Sharing negative feedback with their peers instead of them directly has a negative impact on the reputation of that person.
2. Secondhand feedback is never as valuable.
Another phenomenon I have witnessed is that feedback is deliberately delivered through alternative channels. In this scenario, individuals who do not feel comfortable directly providing feedback to someone will instead have another leader deliver the feedback. They may not explicitly ask for this delivery but in telling a particular person that they know has a relationship with the employee, they know that the feedback will get back to that individual.
In many cases, they’re showing their subconscious bias by sharing directly with white men while avoiding women or people of color. This ensures that the problem will continue because neither party is learning how to deal with the other directly. The individuals being put in the middle serve as a barrier between the manager and employee.
Feedback is never nearly as effective when watered down through a chain. The addition of an intermediary increases the likelihood that the message will not be delivered as intended and adds the perception that the received message is flawed. Furthermore, any reaction by the employee to the feedback through this back channel will be deemed a reaction to the feedback when it may be a reaction to the channel.
3. Bad management has a greater impact on those “not in the room”
All employees need to have the right amount of engagement and interaction with their leaders to be successful in a job. Direct feedback, regular conversations around performance and objectives, as well as verbal and written praise when appropriate are all things that are important to the development of a professional. Not spending time on coaching and development sessions leads to an inability to fully understand the capabilities of your employee.
Most companies spend a lot of time recruiting but much less time onboarding, training, developing, and engaging. For employees that do not have another network within the company this can be much more detrimental. At the same time, employees who have broader networks within the company have vastly larger opportunities for exposure.
I spoke with a woman leader years ago who told me that on average she had 10 minutes per month of direct one on one time with her manager. She never had conversations about her career aspirations. Her manager knew of the skills that she had relative to her current role but had no clue of all of the other things she had done in the past that might be applied to different opportunities. He did not really know her.
This particular woman was never in the same locker room at the gym as her boss. She did not tend to hang out at the same bar over the weekend. She wasn’t often invited to lunch with the guys. So all of those other opportunities her male colleagues had to expose their personalities, their strengths, their experiences were not available to her.
Her manager might have been just as bad of a manager to all of his employees. However the impact on this person was multiplied due to the fact that as a woman of color her social networks within the firm were limited. Therefore, when a new opportunity came up this employee had very little chance of getting that opportunity because she had less likelihood of even knowing about it.
Strategies for Building an Inclusive Environment
The most effective managers ensure that every individual on their team is being included in the conversation. It is through inclusion that we can tap into the benefits of a diverse working environment. Here are a few tips for being a better manager and building a more inclusive environment.
1. Build and manage around the full employee lifecycle. From hire to retire, everyone is on a tour of duty and should have clear expectations, regular connections and engagement, and a respectful exit when that time comes
2. Provide feedback as much as possible directly to the individual. If uncomfortable doing so face to face, practice. And potentially use other mechanisms like written feedback.
3. Try not to share feedback on one of your employees with a peer or superior before you have shared it with the employee. That’s not fair to the employee and does not show strength. In the end, you are making both you and your employee look bad
4. Look around the room more. At lunch, in meetings, and around the coffee maker. See if there are individuals from your team that are never there. Find them, engage with them, and loop them in.
5. Expand your network and your skills base. If you are uncomfortable handling issues with a particular race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation, that is not their fault. It is YOUR issue to solve. Read up, talk to people, ask HR for help.
Building an inclusive and respectful environment is up to everyone, not just the “diverse”. As leaders we need to treat everyone fairly and ethically not only to develop the potential of each employee, but also to serve as an example to everyone with whom we come in contact.
Ultimately, being a better leader and creating a more consciously inclusive environment is good for your people and good for the company.
For many people 2020 was one of the worst years of their lives. More than 1.5 million died of a disease that few took seriously in the first few weeks. Millions of people lost their jobs and many more no longer have their savings to count on.
The year was awful for me as well. My mom had to go through chemo treatment for Stage 3 colon cancer, dealing with that awful disease during covid lockdowns, which prevented us from fully supporting her during treatment. My partner’s restaurant was shuttered for several months, causing him and most of his team to be out of work. My office was closed to most employees so I had to work from home for 75% of the year!
Dozens of friends and family members found themselves positive with the virus. For most of the year I was unable to see my family or my closest friends due to our effort to contain the outbreak. I couldn’t go to restaurants, theatres, or music venues. I drank more wine, beer, and hard alcohol this year than the prior three years. Being stuck indoors and all that overindulging caused me to gain 10 lbs.
“In all respects, it was a crappy year.” -Almost Everyone
And yet…
I still have those family and friends in my life to love from a distance and hopefully soon visit in person. Mom is doing well and cancer free. That is a blessing. I have been lucky while many mourn their loved ones.
I was able to buy that wine and alcohol. I had enough food on my plate to gain 10 pounds. Those are blessings. Many people are struggling to make ends meet. It is estimated that globally as many as 115 million people may be pushed into extreme poverty in 2020 alone.
I remained employed and had a great opportunity to demonstrate the value in the work I did prior to COVID-19. Our colleagues around the world were able to successfully work from home and interact with clients through innovative new tools and cloud enabled mobile solutions. I did not miss a pay period during the year. This is a blessing considering that this year in the United States we have reached unprecedented unemployment rates. In April unemployment peaked at 14.7% which had never been seen since data collection began in 1948.
I moved to Austin, taking advantage of remote work opportunities to explore a different city and found out how much I loved it. Many people have chosen or been forced to move during the pandemic. Some are fleeing large cities out of fear that they may contract the virus or due to social unrest caused by a very toxic political environment. Others are relocating either for work or due to job loss.
I found that I was able to attend church online more than I did in person, with no distractions and the added ability to take copious notes. In a world where social distancing has become a necessity, churches have struggled to keep their doors open. Only one third of people who attend religious services at least monthly say they have done so in person and most churchgoers have opted to attend virtually.
It’s undeniable that 2020 brought a fair deal of trials and tribulations. But for most of us, certainly Gen X and older, 2020 is by far NOT the first difficult year we have encountered. Somehow we have managed to make it through those hard times in the past. And we likely found it is the difficulties that allow us to emerge stronger. And even the darkest times often have some bright spots.
That other worst year ever
When I think of 2001, I most remember the tragedy of September 11th and the lives lost that day. I think about the hit to the economy that followed. I think about losing my grandfather in a tragic accident at the beginning of the year. In my mind I recall 2001 as one of the worst years I ever had.
But then I found the little desk clock that was engraved 10-13-2001, a memento from my cousin’s wedding. I think of how much fun I had with my cousins and my family. I remember the fact that earlier that year I took one of the best vacations of my life, seeing the pyramids in Egypt and touring ruins of Luxor.
I contemplate my personal story of September 11th and how decisions I made quite possibly saved my life and certainly saved me from being in the center of harm. I think of all of the people that helped me that day including many that I did not know personally. They were a blessing and I am grateful for them.
I think of the fact that after that event and following that year, I had a different perspective on work, life, and family. I truly believe that I became a better leader. So through the trial of 2001, came an amazing 2002 and some key decisions I made shortly thereafter resulted in my current career.
None of us want to go through bad times or struggle through “the worst year ever”, but the truth is if you live long enough, you have been, and will again be, tested. You have been through hardship and have experienced pain at some time in your life. It is just a part of being alive.
If you really think about it, there was probably another time in your life when you were feeling that you were in the midst of the worst year ever. Maybe it was a very personal and private struggle. Perhaps social media and 24 hour news were not around to make it so clear to you that things were awful for everyone. However, there were likely thousands of people going through a trial just like you did that year. Somehow you, them, and I made it through.
And that is the ultimate blessing.
What will you do with your blessing in 2021?
Be well. Lead on.
Adam
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
